Cranium Drip

Rollercoaster Ride

2006-02-07T22:33:00.000-05:00

Ahh life is one crazy entity.

I haven't been blogging like I promised myself I would. My mental resources are just not enough to handle all that goes on in my life. I think I need a new stick of RAM - I'm prolly running on 32 megs of EDO. Bah!

Last weekend was amazing. Caelan spent 48 hours at her grandmothers house. Tina and I hung out like we were friends again - instead of co-workers trying to keep the business going. We ate out like 4 times and even went to a pseudo-super bowl party. It was definatly needed. Sleeping in two days in a row was the cats ass. Sunday I almost felt guilty for leaving Caelan at her g'ma's for so long. I know she had a riot and plenty of people went to see her. I definatly missed her and was happy when she came home.

Programming class last night was great. I'm realing showing my skillz to my teacher. He's a cool guy - I'm trying to get a good internship - I hope he can offer me one where he works. There aren't many opportunities around here to get a programming internship - lord knows as of late I don't feel like I'm qualified to program anyway. I can master the easy stuff in an instant - when it begins to get more abstract I loose focus (not by choice.)

Most of my programming "study time" is spent at work. I don't have a compiler on that machine, and even if I did, the computer is so old it wouldn't work properly. I could bring my laptop, but reading books at my desk is where I draw the line. I do have to have some sort of ethics - I mean .. if I make it too obvious that I'm not really working shit may hit the fan.

So that leaves me to read the book at work, write the code - with pen and paper :( - and then come home and type it into the compiler. Well type it if my daughter gives me the opportunity. Tina doesn't get home until after Caelan goes to bed so I can't really hand her off and say "I'm going to study." The whole situation is quite frustrating. I've been moving along nicely and learning a lot - things will click in my head while I'm doing other things - then I'll go back and figure it out in the compiler and viola.. I've 'mastered' it. Now I'm having trouble becuase I can't concentrate on things for long enough consecutive periods of time. A little here and a little there is just not cutting it anymore.

I'd like to get 2 hours of ME time / night to code - to learn. I don't see it happening. I still get the here and there time and deal with it. Who knows if I'll every REALLY get the time to master my chosen craft. I wish my wife didn't have to work and could take care of Caelan 24/7 while I at least got the foundation of programming down. I'm too "old" <> to take my time to learn this shit. bah!

I spent 3 hours in the urgent care center yesterday. I've been short of breath with tightness in my chest for the last two weeks or so. I emailed my Dr.'s office to make an appointment to get a physical. I meantioned my breathing issues and said "I'd like to wait until my physical to talk to the Dr about it." They called me back and said that I should go to UC and get it checked asap. Its definatly due to stress. I knew it before I even went. Of course, though, they don't want to take chances and force me to worry more than I already to about my health. Anyhow, they found nothing wrong - the Dr gave me more "crazy" medication to keep me calm. This one you just take when you feel the need. I guess thats better than the every day shit w/the side effects.

My sister got my resume in order. Now I have to come up with a cover letter and try to get an internship with a gaming company - online of course. I figure 1 week programming with professionals is 10 times better than 1 month reading a damn book about it.

Speaking of books - do not read Synthetic Worlds ... (as I write this its in "the book" link.) The author is writing from an economists standpoint. I had to force myself to read the first 75ish pages. It's barely interesting and it actually makes me wan't to NOT play games (well not really - that'd be insane.)

Every time I blog I realize what little grip I have on the english lanuage. My grammer is aweful - my points are incoherent - ugh!

Stick to Your Guns?

2006-02-01T06:21:00.000-05:00

Well I've decided that blogging everyday just isn't plausable. I'm sure I could squeeze something out (no not mud!) but I've got so much else going on I don't want to feel obligated. My goals have therefor changed a bit - I will now try to blog 3 - 5 time / week.

I've been doing aerobics for 6 (not consecutive) days now. Last week Monday - Wednesday and this week Monday - today. Believe it or not its actually easier to wake up now - this morning I woke up 15 minutes before my alarm (because of my daughters coughing fit of course) and I felt pretty good.

The mother-in-law is taking my daughter for the weekend - not 1 but 2 WHOLE DAYS AHHHHAHAH WOOTOOOOTOTOTOOOOOT! I am so looking foward to it. She's been "OK" this week but there have been times I wanted to choke her. I've got no patience for infants PERIOD! Not at this time in my life anyway. I go from before sun up to after sun down. Watching her and dealing with her oh-too-often crankiness just sets me off. I wrote a program in a notebook while I was at work yesterday. II couldn't wait to get home so I could put it on the computer and compile it. As I have been doing, I pull in the driveway, bring my daughter up to her crib for a nap (that she HAS to take if she's going to be in a good mood {{not to mention my mood}}). I ran downstairs and fired up the laptop. I copied the program over to the compiler and compiled. I got more than a few compile-time errors (which I expected) - when I went to figure out what I did wrong she started screaming.... and screaming.... and screaming... Needless to say the rest of my night was spent dealing with her. What a waste of time (so I'm a bad father? I'm trying to make a future for my family - and my family isn't letting me!)

Bush's state of the union was last night. I'm on the fence about the man as a president. I always want to be a presidential fan-boy, but sometimes its hard. I'm interested to see what he has in mind for health care. Supposedly it'll be portable now (which would help us immenslyl at this moment in time.) Tina is looking for a new job, but she won't be able to get one if we can't get insurance for our daughter (to replace what is being used now from my wife's work.)

Hilary Clinton is just a bitch. I don't consider myself a Republican but I'm further from being a Democrat. They are so caddy and she is just a plain bitch. She needs to keep her mouth shut when the president is speaking! Period!! There is no way in hell she'll be the next president!

Mind Numbing

2006-01-30T06:27:00.000-05:00

There is really nothing specific I wan't to blog about today. My life is pretty much the same shit in a different package day after day after day after day....

Caelan had a bad day Saturday. For whatever reason she refuses to take a nap. She'll pass out dead in your arms - and as soon as you put her down she jerks awake and screams (for hours if you let her.) I really wish there was a way to tell what a baby is feeling. What the fuck - its 2006 for God's sake! Lets get on it! She gets bloated and gassy (bad) still. She doesn't seem to cramp up as bad though - well at least she sleeps at night.

Next weekend Tina's mom is taking the baby for TWO WHOLE FUCKING DAYS. I can't wait!! I won't even know what to do with myself mueahahahaha~~!!

I haven't been keeping up on things I've set goals on. It's a new week so I'll give it another whirl. I've made them as realistic as possible. I don't know what my problem is - well I do know but I'm tired of complaining about it.

Thats enough.. I'm tired of writing!

A Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste

2006-01-27T06:19:00.000-05:00

..and mine is wasting away!

Yesterday was a complete wash. I didn't work out, I didn't blog, I didn't move foward in my C++ knowledge... God damnit!

It's amazing how one night of little - no sleep will fuck you up. Caelan decided she didn't want to sleep Wednesday night. I thought I had groomed myself to be more patient when she cries at night. Everything was well until my wife lost her shit. After trying to get the baby back to sleep for less than a half-hour she started yelling. I can't stand it. Granted - I'm not the most patient person in the world, but at least I have been working on it (with success I might add.) I can handle a crying baby, I can't handle a psychotic wife. Yesterday I was so stressed out about her all day, I didn't eat lunch and I felt like I was going to vomit. I straight up told her on the phone how I felt - she said "you should take some Zantac." I was like "that's not the problem - the problem is you losing your shit..." then I told her I didn't want to talk to her and hung up.

I put the baby down at 8:30 last night and immediatly hopped into bed myself. I would have just slept but I knew Tina would be loud and wake me up when she got home. I decided to wait until she arrived and then fell asleep.

They say this is the most depressing time of the year. If you read any of my blogs you'd see proof of it. Central New York has to be the worst place in America to live. Especially if you hate snow / cold / and lack of sun. The climate in general up here sucks 8 months out of the year. We get both extremes of weather - cold as fuck in the winter and hot as hell in the summer. My wife is a miserable bitch - I don't even want to look at her. I have been miserable myself for the better part of my life. I guarantee the weather causes 80%+ of it.

The last few months something in me has changed. All of the sudden I don't want to be who I am. I've taken an increased interest in education. I've given myself goals and get pissed when I don't stick to them. I've 'calmed' myself down (at least tried to) and taken on unconfortable situations with a smile. The only acceptions are my wife and my child. I feel like they are both sucking me down - back into misery. I'll give my wife shit about her attitude and she tries to turn it around "You're just as bad" she says. I explain I'm trying not to be and I'd appreciate it if she would do the same. I'd leave her in a heartbeat if it wasn't such a hastle. With a baby in the mix it's not that easy. I just don't want to be miserable for the rest of my life - but I can't do it unless I shed the things that bring me down. She has to change or we're through!!

Florida will change everything. My sister tells me how happy she is now that she is down there. Sun all the time - and people who are friendly. Palm trees, Disney World, MY FAMILY! Again I would be down there right now if it wasn't for my wife and daughter. I wish I didn't but I resent them.

Whatever

I wonder

2006-01-25T06:18:00.000-05:00

I wonder how long it will take me to get back into shape. I'm actually at the weight I've always wanted to be - 180lbs. In high school I was a scrawny bastard - but I was in the greatest shape of my life. 3 seasons of sports will do that - especially swimming. I wish I could swim to get in shape up here!

My gut hangs over my pants. I think thats the biggest beef I have with myself. My face is getting too round too. I hope doing aerobics on tape every morning will pay off. I can't afford a gym - or a treadmill (or anything similar.) I really wish I could go to a gym. At least there is more motivation than just my own mind.

Once again programming has taken over my sleep. I kept quasi-dreaming that my alarm was set for two different times - and it was set in a function of some sort. I was afraid that "the program wouldn't run" and I would sleep in. I kept waking up checking the clock. In my head it looked like

alarm(6:00am)(2:30am).

Don't ask me what the 2:30 is. I've been setting my alarm for 5:30 this week so I could get up and work out. What a weirdo!

I started feeling the effects of stress yesterday at work. I was getting that "sometihng caught in my throat" and slight nausea feeling I had when I went through the depression. At least now I know enough to ignore it and move beyond it. I wonder how many other people in the world go through that feeling. I bet in Florida I wouldn't even notice it. This cloudy miserable city needs to go! Only about a year and a half left!!! I can make it!

Ford just layed off / fired 25,000 people! [[this - the rest were even worse! WTF CNN!!! LEARN HOW TO PROGRAM A SEARCH QUERY!!]]I don't understand how a company can cut that many jobs at once. There should be a law against it. These workers are unqualified to do anything but work on an assembly line making the same damn part over and over. The problem is they get WAY overpayed!! They get themselves into a life of luxery and when their job falls a part, so does their life. My brother works for Chrysler doing the same type of job. He has a HUGE house and a fat italian wife. Ny nephew is so spoiled he didn't even appreciate the things he got for last Christmas (and he's only 5!) There are always threats of the plant he works for closing or downsizing. Gone would be the days of $20 / hour to put this rod into this hole over and over. Can we say "would you like fries with that?" I have shit for money myself - but at least I'm building a foundation based on intelligence not how many hours I'm willing to work. God I don't even feel sorry for these people. I know I should but they were getting over paid. Whatever!

There is a story on the local news about MySpace.com. Its saying how aweful it is for children and how they share their information freely with potential abductors. They are just now realizing this? My friend mentioned his myspace profile the other day. Dewd! We're almost 30!! Get a friggen' life! a/s/l please!

Need More Time!

2006-01-24T06:32:00.000-05:00

I'm running about 15 minutes behind today already! Its only 6:30am!!

Class last night was fun. VB .Net seems to be a very robust program. I think its unfortunate that we have to learn to program (those of us who don't study the subject on our own) via a pretty GUI with drag and drop abilities. I guess for the other two people in the class it won't much matter. I'm sure they won't go on to programming as a career choice anyhow. I study C++ on my own, so it won't much matter to me either. So I guess the whole thing doesn't matter! AHHHH

Mondays and Wednesdays will be the death of me. If I get up at 5:30am (like I have the last two days) to do aerobics in the morning - and then pretty much go non-stop until I get home at 9pm - I'm gonna burn the hell out. I do, however, feel like I've accomplished something when I walk through the door. As long as Caelan is in bed, or goes straight to bed, it'll work out well. There is no way I could do it 4 days a week though - not with a family!

Thats all the time I have!! I have a lot on my mind but of course I'm up against the clock. I've made a silent vow to myself that I would get to work 'on time' for now on. Saddle up cowboy!

Goals

2006-01-23T06:15:00.000-05:00

For philosophy class we had to make some goals - short and long term. We had to then flesh out the long term goals siting specific dates.

This is what I need to do. There are things in life, right now, that I want. My track record hasn't been very good at following through with anything that doesn't offer instant gratification. Having a list of goals <> surely will keep me on the right path.

Something about me has changed within' the last six months. Instead of obsessing about things I'm actually following through with them. Its not enough to follow through a little bit - I've been following through over an extended period of time.

I want to make games! This is what I would like to do for a living - whether it be simple tetris-style games or GRAND over-the-top MMORPGs. The latter would be ideal, but there is a lot involved. I refuse to set my sights that high until I acheive something much lower. I need to be able to see a game from beginning to end, and create it myself. I WILL DO IT!

I've been teaching myself C++ for the last month or so. All-in-all it's going very well. I find myself actually retaining what I've learned - mostly due to the fact I'm creating mini-"games", working through the "bugs" and enjoying the results.

I've also suplimented my learning with books on the gaming industry. So far I've read "Smartbomb" (covers a who's who in the industry) and "Masters of Doom" (about the two John's.) Right now I'm reading "Synthetic Worlds" which is proving to me a drastically different kind of book than the first two. Its writtin by an economist who is looking at MMO's ina business sense and relating that to "real life." It's a higher level read - which is good but it will take longer to get through than the first two books I'm sure (a week a piece.)

So here are my goals -

Short Term:

- Exercise 3 - 5 times daily (I'm horribly out of shape.)
- Write on this weblog daily (We'll see what happens - this is just to get me writing and reflecting on life a bit more.)
- Read for 1+ hours every day. (This is an easy one - I want to keep my mind filled with intellectual goodness.)

Long Term:

-Learn C++ well enough to create a medium to large scale game. (I've got this written down and fleshed out complete with dates. I've alotted (sp) 6 months to gettin' it done. I WILL SUCCEED!!!!!)

Week - an update

2006-01-19T09:20:00.000-05:00

Well, it’s been one HELL of a week. It started Sunday with the inconsolable crying of my daughter. She just wouldn’t stop. If she wasn’t crying she was whining. Feeding her shut her up for the duration of the process. She wouldn’t / couldn’t sleep – you would think after x amount of hours a 7 month old would pass out after crying continuously. I think we (my wife and I) collectively slept for 4 hours on Sunday night. I called in on Monday, but (even though I could barely keep my eyes open) I couldn’t stay home – the screaming had not stopped and I was going to lose my mind (this is becoming a theme with me.)

Monday night the crying continued and we spent another night sleepless and miserable. There was things thrown and broken in frustration – tears cried by grown-ups and a stomach that felt like it would explode from stress. Once again we both were questioning our faith. How could He let a baby suffer so much with pain (this is what we assumed was the issue) and let her parents almost lose control because they just needed to sleep.

Tuesday Tina made a special trip to the Dr (to an office that is way out of our way.) He concluded that the issue was an allergy to milk protein. Caelan has been having this problem for a while – being cranky / gassy – but not to this extent. I figured it was gas cramps before we even brought her to the Dr – my assumptions seem to be correct. She was switched to a special formula that contains soy and is a special allergy ‘blocker’ or some shit. Of course its not available in a generic brand so now we are going to have to pay twice as much to feed our baby. I guess its worth it if she isn’t in pain and we ALL can get some sleep.

Tuesday night Caelan was still cranky but I did manage to get about 6 hours of sleep. She didn’t cry but didn’t sleep soundly. Tina had to put her back to sleep a few times and eventually brought her into bed with us. Last night , however, Caelan slept for 11 hours!!!!!! PRAISE THE FRICKEN’ LORD! I feel better today than I have in a while.

Now if I can get back into studying some C++ - after so many days lost – I’ll be a happy man!

Yet another evening...

2006-01-13T21:45:00.000-05:00

.. of utter and complete misery!

I have finally come to the conclusion that my daughter is sabotaging (spelling) my life. She refuses to take a nap in the late afternoon when I get home from work. This is a critical time for me - the time I need to unwind and reflect on my day. I need to eat some dinner and do some homework. I need to take a short cat nap so I can last the rest of the evening.

I've started w/o patience - now I have less than none! I might as well drop out of college. I have a feeling this semester is going to be an actual challenge. I'm going to have to work for my 4.0 - which I am totally willing (and wanting) to do. This crying baby bullshit from the time I get home until the time I go to bed is going to ruin my grades. My philosophy class is going to require a lot of reading - I can guarantee that my programming class will require the same. When the hell am I supposed to do this shit?

I'm so tired and sore right now I want to scream. My wife comes home from work and I don't even want to look at her. Deep down I resent the fact that she was so pushy to have a child so 'soon.' "Lets wait until we graduate college," I pleaded, but the impatient bitch just couldn't wait so I gave in. What a mistake that was.

I just want out. I don't think I've ever discovered who I really am. I think the time for that has finally arrived (at the ripe old age of 28) and now I'm not allowed to. I've become more intelligent and have been reading book after book (at work of course - lord knows I can't do it at home.) I'm ready to take on any bit of knowledge within my reach - people around me just push it away - indirectly of course, but regardless - its all the same to me!

I'm a failure as a father - I can't muster the strength to give all of my attention to my daughter. I end up resenting her for what she is doing to me. Its not even her fault - she's only 7 fucking months old! I'm a failure as a husband. I get so down about all the things I can't do for myself I say fuck everything else. I don't help clean, I don't cook, I don't do anything. I feel like I'm strapped to the floor while I watch the demon and when the wife comes home I can get up and try to unwind.

To hell with chores. This house it a piece of shit! Its not worth taking any time to maintain. We've recently discovered that other townhouses in the area are up for sale - NOT selling for 20k less than ours is. There is no way we'll be able to sell this hole and make enough money to just cover our mortgage. That's all I want - to walk away from this shit pile bill free so we can start fresh in Florida.

I give up. Life is at an end!

Stick em up foo!

2006-01-12T16:34:00.000-05:00

So as I was leaving work today (I work in a mall) everything seemed normal. I was a few feet from the mall entrance when I hear someone running at full speed behind me. Instinctively I stepped to the side so I didn't get trampled (for all I knew they were coming after me :P) and peeked over my shoulder. It was a black man running, using one of his hands to hold up his pants - there was lots of jingling like change or keys in his pockets. A few seconds later a mall security guard (in all his overweight glory) came sprinting up giving his whereabouts to the other rent-a-cops over his two way radio. As this proceeded I got into my car to watch. Unfortuneatly they disappeared around a corner - all the while the mall cop yelling "stop ..cough..slurp.. stop!" Go fatty go!! I sat for a minitue hopeing the chase would lead them back to me - it never did.

Thinking back, the perp looked at me as he passed - maybe 5 feet from me. I then thought "I bet he was going to grab me and take me hostage." That would have been sweet! I would have been on TV!!!

Eyes Wide Shut

2006-01-12T06:16:00.000-05:00

I'm so friggen tired!

Yesterday, at work, we received more merchandise than any day within the past year. We didn't even get that much when we were stocking up for Christmas. I was so tired when I came home I thought I would die. On top of that it was the first day of classes for this semester. I went in a zombie!!

The first class I've taken this semester is Critical Thinking. Its a phylosophy class (yuck) which I figured I would hate - but of course you HAVE to take it to graduate. In actuality the class was awesome. The teacher is new to our school - he has a refreshing outlook on things - it actually was fun! He is 53 - has a BS in nuclear physics and an MBA. He gave us a breif rundown of his life to this point (which was about an hour speach!) Hes done so much, its definatly an inspiration. I think I may just take something away from his class - as opposed to every other class where I leave less intellegent than when I enter.

This morning my eyes are heavy - but I think I'll manage. I'm going to pick up a C++ today. I've stumbled on GameDev.net - it seems to be a good resource for the game programmer - especially the beginner - intermediate. There are plenty of articles and resources (way more than cplusplus.com) and book reviews. The book is Beginning C++ Game Programming. From the reviews it looks basic (probably too basic) but unlike other C++ books, it relates things to the gaming world. I went to look for it at Barnes and Noble last night but of course they didn't have it. I'll hit Borders today - I know they have it there. Yes its $30 bux but at this point I don't care. The only way I'll learn anything about the language is books. The web offers plenty of resources but they are better for reference and/or to suppliment books.

TIme to make the doughnuts!

Nothing Special

2006-01-09T17:37:00.000-05:00

I don't like going for too many days w/o posting. I don't want this blog to end up like my other one.

The wife locked her keys in MY car yesterday. I was forced to come home extremely early from work and ended up just staying here. I can't say that I mind - Caelan slept from the time I got home until almost 5. Thats over 4 hours - PRAISE THE LORD!!

I leveled to 27 with my Night Elf druid in World of Warcraft. I've stopped playing the horde side for a while. I needed a change of atmosphere.

C++ is coming along - albeit slowly. I'm up to "classes" in the tutorial from cplusplus.com. Pointers - not the idea just the symantecs - is giving me some small issues. Once I see it in practice I'm sure my questions will clear up. I guess work is good for something.

I've been thinking about Will Wright's new game Spores. I can't wait for it to come out!! While thinking I decided I needed a similar game to hold me over until it gets here (not until Fall 2006 at the earliest.) I remembered I have Black & White so I grabbed it and loaded it up. Woulldn't you know its giving my computer (most likely Windows XP or my graphics card) issues. It seems like this always happens when I want to fiddle with an older game. The graphics get all glitchy - I really don't understand the problem. When it came out it was designed to run on 95, 98, ME and 2000. XP is very similar to Windows 2000. I guess I'll have to research a bit and find a patch. I've also broken out Quake 3 Team Arena and Unreal Tournament GOTY. I have yet to load them up but I don't doubt I'll have the same problems.

I haven't been too stressed out today. My daughter has been sleeping most of 'my shift' with her and now she's been fed. She's fat and happy playing in her chair with the teething ring I gave her.

Tonight I think I'll pop in Episode 3. It was fun watching The Scorpion King with her (Caelan) even thought the movie sucked. She watched most of it with me - well she stared at the TV anyway. I wonder what she sees. It'd be interesting to see the world through the eyes of a 7 month old - well interesting and terrifying I'm sure.

When Will My Life Be My Own??

2006-01-06T12:47:00.000-05:00

They say the first year of a child’s life is the hardest for parents to handle. I certainly hope so. My daughter is 7 months old – she is getting in her first set of teeth (supposedly – she has nothing to show for it yet), and whines inconsolably for 90% of the time she is awake. It makes me want to snap.

I was explaining this to a coworker today. I was telling him how my wife and I work basically opposite shifts. When she gets home I hand the baby over and say "goodnight." That’s about the amount of interaction we have. There is no discussing our day unless something terrible happened. Even then I tend to forget because the worst thing that could happen at work would be 10 times better than being at home. My coworker said that his relationship with his wife, when his kids were younger, was about the same. It felt like their relationship was more of a working relationship than one out of love. More like your partner is a fellow employee trying to run a successful business (your household). Unfortunately you can’t punch out from this job. There is no where to run – accept your actual job. No wonder the divorce rate is so high. I swear God is fucking with us.

A new semester starts next week. I guess that will give me a few evenings away from home – in a different atmosphere. Lord knows I need a new atmosphere – if I had it my way I would have a permanent atmospheric change. But of course, I don’t run my own life – that would make sense!

NY Employment

2006-01-05T06:20:00.000-05:00

I came to the realization the other day, that my whole working career has been in jobs that people despise.

1. Fast Food
2. Life Insurance Salesman
3. Retail

I've had smaller jobs here and there in between. I swear NY is the worst state when it comes to jobs. Its the worst state when it comes to weather and people too. I can't wait to move! FLORIDA HERE I COME!

You know what I hate...

2006-01-05T06:15:00.000-05:00

... is when men go into a public restroom, and as soon as they open the door they start to unzip their pants and pull out their junk as they walk to the urinal or stall. Dewd... thats gross.. wait until you get there for God's sake!

I've began 'almost seriously' studying C++ on my own. There was a maze program I found at www.tutorialize.com that is meant to teach basic game creation. Its written well from what I can see, and it walks you through the whats and whys. The only issue is I can't get the damn thing to compile. The files are included - aka you don't have to type them all out if you choose not to. I will, but I just wanted to get a feel for what the final product will be before I dive in. There is no way I'm going to go through learning it if its not going to work.

I need to find a good website for learning game creation using C++. Not a tutorial here and there - a full website. I guess I can make my own one day when I actually know the language. I'll be a 10 dollaraire.. yeah!!

Sigh of Relief

2006-01-04T07:56:00.000-05:00

Sleep - the final frontier!

Tina brought Caelan to the doctor on Monday. She didn't have an ear infection - in fact she was "fine" as the doctor said. She is definlaty getting teeth in - she seems to be a bit bound up too. He thinks the combination of those two things and perhaps a slight cold is to blame for her inability to sleep. We've switched her over to milk, put her back on previsid (spelling) and started giving her Benadryl before bedtime. She has slept two full nights in a row WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! I feel like a million bucks. Its amazing what a little sleep will do!

I've finished Smartbomb. Thats the fastest I've finished a book EVER - less than a week! I'm now reading Masters of Doom which is just as good (if not better.)

I've ordered a C++ book (recommended by a pro on codeproject.com) on eBay. It was mysteriously inexpensive. At Borders its priced at $50+ - probably due to the fact that its almost 700 pages. I bought it on eBay for 50 cents. Shipping was $2.99. WTF? Either I just got an amazing deal, or I'm getting ripped off. The seller has over 17000 feedback at 99.3%. Other patrons have purchased books for 20 cents and left legit positive feedback. I guess we'll see what happens. $3.50 for a $50 book - and it gets delivered to your house - you can't go wrong - right??

Happy? New Year

2006-01-02T13:14:00.000-05:00

Well, this will undoubtedly go down as THE worst spent New Year's Eve ever.

As stated in a previous post, my daughter has been sick. New Year's Eve was the third night of her illness, 3rd night my wife and I (and the baby) haven't slept and the third night of losing my fucking mind. There is nothing like a sick child to make you want to walk out the door and never come back. My wife actually said it, and believe me, I was thinking it the whole time. If there is a God out there, we certainly could use some help. I swear my mind is gone!

Today wasn't as bad (at work) as it could have been. There are three of us that work in the warehouse. I can do all three of our jobs, one of the guy only knows his job (and if it changes the slightest he goes nuts), the third guy (the 'supervisor' mind you) knows his job and the first guys job. Why is it that I can do all three and my supervisor can't? Why does no one else know my job? I should demand a raise!

So the other two decide to take today off. We never leave the warehouse with only two people. I have never seen it done. Especially now - my busiest time of year - why would they fuck me over? I'm so sick of mouth breathers! It makes me nuts!!

Fortunatly there wasn't any deliveries today for me to deal with. On the other hand, there was so much "defective" merchadise to deal with, I lost it for a few (I'm sure my wonderful weekend had NOTHING to do with that.)

I brought in my laptop and a movie to help pass the time today. I mean, what the hell - I'm by myself so I might as well enjoy it. Well, Windows Media Player wouldn't play Ghost in the Shell on my laptop. I've got every codec known to man on this fucking thing! So I decide to listen to some music on iTunes that I purchased on my desktop. I copied them over to the laptop so I could listen to the music here. "The music is not authorized to be played on this computer." OMFG I paid for this shit. You could log on and authrize the music on up to 6 machines. Give me a break. I will never use iTunes again!

I can't wait to go home and deal with a bouncing er.. screaming baby girl. Not to mention a miserable wife. I wish I could go back in time and redo the things that brought me to this place in my life.

Will Wright

2005-12-30T23:26:00.000-05:00

The man is simply a genius. I've only just started looking into the history of gaming (well in depth anyway.) Will Wright is a god among men. His newest project Spore is incredibly imaginative! How does he do it?? Be sure to read GameSpy's writeup

Obsession - Gaming!

2005-12-30T08:06:00.000-05:00

Ok, So this isn't a new obsession. I've wanted to design and program games for a while now. I've dabbled with programs like the RPG Toolkit and Game Maker but I always seem to find a way to hit a wall and give up.

I really didn't that into Game Maker. I think the RPG Toolkit took my attention (I found both programs at the same time.) RPG Toolkit was nice - it took some delving in to (which I don't mind.) The more I uncovered about the program the more I liked it. It had its own programming language (which I was fine with - I still haven't mastered any) and plenty of documentation to back it up. The wall I hit there was the artistic one.

I believe I have artistic talent. Not in the drawing or painting aspect (I've tried.. and tried.. and tried but my work sucks!) but in the imaginative/creative sort. I just couldn't create the sprites as 'easily' as I would have liked. Yes there was tilesets I could use from other games but I didn't want to. I was encouraged by other toolkit users to use Photoshop for creating backgrounds etc. Well, I don't know how to use it so that was just something else I'd have to learn. I also don't have a writing tablet - anyhow I ended up letting it fade away.

I just want to program! Is that so bad? More specifically I want to program a game. It won't be possible w/o drawing skills though. Thats what pisses me off. I suppose I could find someone to do the art but I'm not disciplined enough to keep a schedule - getting things done. I'd end up pissing someone off because I wasn't doing my part.

Whatever - the more I write the less coherent I become. Here are the books I'm looking at now. I will probably read them all as long as they hold my attention. I'm reading Smartbomb right now. What a great fucking book! Its recreating my game making obsession!

Masters of Doom: How Two Guys Created an Empire and Transformed Pop Culture
Got Game: How the Gamer Generation is Reshaping Business Forever
Everything Bad is Good For You: How Today's Popular Culture is Actively Making Us Smarter
Synthetic Worlds: The Business Culture of Online Gaming
The Search: How Google and its Rivals Rewrote the Rules of Business and Transformed Our Culture (not not about gaming but Google fasinates me)
Trigger Happy: Video Games and the Entertainment Revolution
Opening the Xbox: Inside Microsoft's Plan to Unleash and Entertainment Revolution
Phoenix: The Fall and Rise of Video Games
Half-Real: Video Games Between Real Rules and Fictional Worlds
Theory of Fun For Game Design
Rules of Play: Game Fundamentals

These are in no particular order. I'll probably read Masters of Doom when i'm done with Smartbomb. Rules of play will probably be the last because it is meant as a textbook instead of a "read cover-to-cover."

God I just typed way too much. This comptuer sucks!

Blog Template

2005-12-29T17:46:00.000-05:00

Why the fuck do people make jacked up blogger templates? Check out the lists on the sidebar. If you add more than 3 the formatting gets all jacked up.

Yes I can fix it - No I don't want to. So for now its going to stay jacked. I started messing with it but the baby is screaming and my fuse is burnt out.

Common Cold - the Sequel

2005-12-29T17:25:00.000-05:00

Caelan is sick again! This is only her second cold but to me it feels like her 1000th. She is only 'content' when she is being held - I guess understandably. The issue is (just like last time) as soon as she shows signs of being sick, I get sick! Its too damn hard to take care of her when I feel like shit too.

I put her in her crib because she was practically asleep in my arms. As soon as I leave the room and go downstairs she starts crying and moaning. I just wanna eat for God's sake. Why can't she sleep for me? To a 7 month old, a cold must feel like the end of the world. I know it does to me. I need to be able to take care of myself too.

I've been drinking water hand-over-fist all day, so of course I have to piss every 30 minutes. I can't do that when I'm holding her. It's a huge hastle. I put her down and she screems.

Tina working nights has been kind of shitty. It does work out well for the most part - but in situations like this it just sucks.

Oh well - such is my life. Just another reason I'm kicking myself for not finishing my degree when I had the chance. Tina just HAD to have kids now - she couldn't wait until we both gradutated. Well now she's done and I have a year and a half to go. Sure its the retarted college and its easy, but I do plan on continuing after. What is going to happen when I start to challenge myself?? I'm ready to jump head first into coding but I can't - I have to change a fucking diaper.

It must be nice to be my high school friends. They've graduated college a LONG time ago like they were 'supposed' to. They've all got 6 figure jobs and a lifestyle to match. I didn't even go to my 10 year reunion because I'm so emberassed of my pathetic life.

I need to make up for lost time! I wish there was a way to fast track my learning. My body and mind are ready for it - my responsabilities aren't.

Almost 30 ho-hums

2005-12-29T08:53:00.000-05:00

There comes a time in your life (or many many times) when you kick yourself for your past judgements.

Here I am, 28, and I work in a retail job I have had for over 5 years. I don't work with customers (thank the Lord!) Instead I work with vendors (indirectly mosf ot the time) to get return authorizations for their crappy products. I've perfected the job - so much so that I can get done with it within a few hours - and that is on a busy day. I'm so good, in fact, I get paranoid. My mind wanders, I end up surfing the web, reading a book or going out into the mall wandering aimlessly.

There are rumors that my position (as it has been in other stores) is going to be cut down to 20 hours. I have been here long enough - and know my boss well enough - that if this does happen, they will find a way to make up my other 20 hours. I'm just afraid of what that other 20 hours will bring.

I wish, when I was younger, that I had finished college. I was very young and immature when I began my collegiate carreer. I dropped out of two schools by the age of 22 - racking up mucho student loans that I let fester - pretending they weren't there.

Now, at 28 with a wife, child, mortgage etc etc, I am back in school. I have been for a few years. The first college was an hour away - on a good day. The weather in central New York made it very hard to commute and when the gas prices went up (along with the conception of my daughter) I knew there was no choice but to find a closer school. It was quite a shame. My professors didn't want me to leave. I was a model student, finally getting good grades. I was doing what I wanted to do (the degree program was Animal Managemet [geared toward zookeeping]) and I was good at it.

I've settled for Bryant and Stratton college. The campus is miniscule, my tuition is way over-priced and the things I am learning could have been copied from a highschool textbook. I often consider myself to be in 13th grade. I'm still doing well in school (4.0 FTW) but the amount of knowledge I'm obtaining is ... well... blah!

My expectations of things, I'm sure, are out of proportion. I don't really do anything for my 4.0. I don't spend time outside of class learning the material - I don't have to - its too fucking easy! If and when I go to a finish my bacheolers there is no doubt I will be in shell shock.

Motivation to learn on my own is nil. Yes, I'll obsess about learning things. I've been wanting to learn to program for a year now. I'll dabble here and there, but I have no real direction. I figure thats where schooling comes in but they are stopping short of teaching me anything. I've got some books on Visual C++ 6 - one of my teachers gave me a copy of VS 6 - there are multiple resources on the web to learn this crap - why the fuck don't I just learn it!?!

I'm fairly certain I have adult ADD... you know what? fuck it.. thats another post! This Pentium 2 machine lags when I try to type - I can't even see what I am typing until after the fact... what a joke CompUSA is!

G4

2005-12-28T16:41:00.000-05:00

G4 tv is good in a "B Movie" sort of way!

Its awesome when my 7 month old daughter zones out to Cinematech. She is definatly her fathers daughter.

I can thank them for fostering my obsession with games / game development (even though I have zero skills) / game reviews.

I'm such a slacker! blarg!!

Miyamoto-san

2005-12-28T16:25:00.000-05:00

Nintendo is without a doubt, the oldest company out there that makes games. Its not to say, however they they are the oldest gaming company. If my brain serves me well (which it probably doesn't - slacker) they went through several phases before landing in the gaming market.

I can recall our first Nintendo - the NES. I was very young - well under 10 anyway. I had two older brothers who must have asked for it for Christmas. I had no idea what it was (even after opening it.)

Looking back I can't believe my parents actually purchased this box 'o fun. They even bought a television to use exclusevly with the machine. They didn't even buy our first computer until I was 17 (1994.)

After I'd played the NES for a few hours I was instantly hooked. I never knew there could be so much fun to be had with interactive television. I remember the first T.V. we owned with a remote - it was l33t as hell! Now I could move a short fat man across the screen jumping on turtles too?? I was in heaven.

Why now is Nintendo in so much trouble (at least to me they are). Ever since the PlayStation came out I haven't even thought about owning a console made by Nintendo. I did own the Game Boy / Game Boy Advance / Game Boy SP - but those were for travel. If Sony had come out with a handheld version of the PS I wouldh ave hopped on that in a second!

I'm afraid Nintendo has pigeon-holed itself with childrens games. I realize Miyamoto's vision probably hasn't changed with the times, and its reflected in the titles released on his employer's products. Not only that, they are trying to innovate further on things that don't need innovation! Have you seen the Revolutions controller? WTF??? There is no need for that. Further killing this console is the fact that DVDs are slot-loaded (AFAIK.) ::sigh::!

In my honest opinion Nintendo needs to bail out of the console business. They should stick to creating tried-and-true games like Zelda and Mario and license them to be made for the XBox and PlayStation.