Rollercoaster Ride

Ahh life is one crazy entity.

I haven't been blogging like I promised myself I would. My mental resources are just not enough to handle all that goes on in my life. I think I need a new stick of RAM - I'm prolly running on 32 megs of EDO. Bah!

Last weekend was amazing. Caelan spent 48 hours at her grandmothers house. Tina and I hung out like we were friends again - instead of co-workers trying to keep the business going. We ate out like 4 times and even went to a pseudo-super bowl party. It was definatly needed. Sleeping in two days in a row was the cats ass. Sunday I almost felt guilty for leaving Caelan at her g'ma's for so long. I know she had a riot and plenty of people went to see her. I definatly missed her and was happy when she came home.

Programming class last night was great. I'm realing showing my skillz to my teacher. He's a cool guy - I'm trying to get a good internship - I hope he can offer me one where he works. There aren't many opportunities around here to get a programming internship - lord knows as of late I don't feel like I'm qualified to program anyway. I can master the easy stuff in an instant - when it begins to get more abstract I loose focus (not by choice.)

Most of my programming "study time" is spent at work. I don't have a compiler on that machine, and even if I did, the computer is so old it wouldn't work properly. I could bring my laptop, but reading books at my desk is where I draw the line. I do have to have some sort of ethics - I mean .. if I make it too obvious that I'm not really working shit may hit the fan.

So that leaves me to read the book at work, write the code - with pen and paper :( - and then come home and type it into the compiler. Well type it if my daughter gives me the opportunity. Tina doesn't get home until after Caelan goes to bed so I can't really hand her off and say "I'm going to study." The whole situation is quite frustrating. I've been moving along nicely and learning a lot - things will click in my head while I'm doing other things - then I'll go back and figure it out in the compiler and viola.. I've 'mastered' it. Now I'm having trouble becuase I can't concentrate on things for long enough consecutive periods of time. A little here and a little there is just not cutting it anymore.

I'd like to get 2 hours of ME time / night to code - to learn. I don't see it happening. I still get the here and there time and deal with it. Who knows if I'll every REALLY get the time to master my chosen craft. I wish my wife didn't have to work and could take care of Caelan 24/7 while I at least got the foundation of programming down. I'm too "old" <> to take my time to learn this shit. bah!

I spent 3 hours in the urgent care center yesterday. I've been short of breath with tightness in my chest for the last two weeks or so. I emailed my Dr.'s office to make an appointment to get a physical. I meantioned my breathing issues and said "I'd like to wait until my physical to talk to the Dr about it." They called me back and said that I should go to UC and get it checked asap. Its definatly due to stress. I knew it before I even went. Of course, though, they don't want to take chances and force me to worry more than I already to about my health. Anyhow, they found nothing wrong - the Dr gave me more "crazy" medication to keep me calm. This one you just take when you feel the need. I guess thats better than the every day shit w/the side effects.

My sister got my resume in order. Now I have to come up with a cover letter and try to get an internship with a gaming company - online of course. I figure 1 week programming with professionals is 10 times better than 1 month reading a damn book about it.

Speaking of books - do not read Synthetic Worlds ... (as I write this its in "the book" link.) The author is writing from an economists standpoint. I had to force myself to read the first 75ish pages. It's barely interesting and it actually makes me wan't to NOT play games (well not really - that'd be insane.)

Every time I blog I realize what little grip I have on the english lanuage. My grammer is aweful - my points are incoherent - ugh!

Stick to Your Guns?

Well I've decided that blogging everyday just isn't plausable. I'm sure I could squeeze something out (no not mud!) but I've got so much else going on I don't want to feel obligated. My goals have therefor changed a bit - I will now try to blog 3 - 5 time / week.

I've been doing aerobics for 6 (not consecutive) days now. Last week Monday - Wednesday and this week Monday - today. Believe it or not its actually easier to wake up now - this morning I woke up 15 minutes before my alarm (because of my daughters coughing fit of course) and I felt pretty good.

The mother-in-law is taking my daughter for the weekend - not 1 but 2 WHOLE DAYS AHHHHAHAH WOOTOOOOTOTOTOOOOOT! I am so looking foward to it. She's been "OK" this week but there have been times I wanted to choke her. I've got no patience for infants PERIOD! Not at this time in my life anyway. I go from before sun up to after sun down. Watching her and dealing with her oh-too-often crankiness just sets me off. I wrote a program in a notebook while I was at work yesterday. II couldn't wait to get home so I could put it on the computer and compile it. As I have been doing, I pull in the driveway, bring my daughter up to her crib for a nap (that she HAS to take if she's going to be in a good mood {{not to mention my mood}}). I ran downstairs and fired up the laptop. I copied the program over to the compiler and compiled. I got more than a few compile-time errors (which I expected) - when I went to figure out what I did wrong she started screaming.... and screaming.... and screaming... Needless to say the rest of my night was spent dealing with her. What a waste of time (so I'm a bad father? I'm trying to make a future for my family - and my family isn't letting me!)

Bush's state of the union was last night. I'm on the fence about the man as a president. I always want to be a presidential fan-boy, but sometimes its hard. I'm interested to see what he has in mind for health care. Supposedly it'll be portable now (which would help us immenslyl at this moment in time.) Tina is looking for a new job, but she won't be able to get one if we can't get insurance for our daughter (to replace what is being used now from my wife's work.)

Hilary Clinton is just a bitch. I don't consider myself a Republican but I'm further from being a Democrat. They are so caddy and she is just a plain bitch. She needs to keep her mouth shut when the president is speaking! Period!! There is no way in hell she'll be the next president!

Mind Numbing

There is really nothing specific I wan't to blog about today. My life is pretty much the same shit in a different package day after day after day after day....

Caelan had a bad day Saturday. For whatever reason she refuses to take a nap. She'll pass out dead in your arms - and as soon as you put her down she jerks awake and screams (for hours if you let her.) I really wish there was a way to tell what a baby is feeling. What the fuck - its 2006 for God's sake! Lets get on it! She gets bloated and gassy (bad) still. She doesn't seem to cramp up as bad though - well at least she sleeps at night.

Next weekend Tina's mom is taking the baby for TWO WHOLE FUCKING DAYS. I can't wait!! I won't even know what to do with myself mueahahahaha~~!!

I haven't been keeping up on things I've set goals on. It's a new week so I'll give it another whirl. I've made them as realistic as possible. I don't know what my problem is - well I do know but I'm tired of complaining about it.

Thats enough.. I'm tired of writing!

A Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste

..and mine is wasting away!

Yesterday was a complete wash. I didn't work out, I didn't blog, I didn't move foward in my C++ knowledge... God damnit!

It's amazing how one night of little - no sleep will fuck you up. Caelan decided she didn't want to sleep Wednesday night. I thought I had groomed myself to be more patient when she cries at night. Everything was well until my wife lost her shit. After trying to get the baby back to sleep for less than a half-hour she started yelling. I can't stand it. Granted - I'm not the most patient person in the world, but at least I have been working on it (with success I might add.) I can handle a crying baby, I can't handle a psychotic wife. Yesterday I was so stressed out about her all day, I didn't eat lunch and I felt like I was going to vomit. I straight up told her on the phone how I felt - she said "you should take some Zantac." I was like "that's not the problem - the problem is you losing your shit..." then I told her I didn't want to talk to her and hung up.

I put the baby down at 8:30 last night and immediatly hopped into bed myself. I would have just slept but I knew Tina would be loud and wake me up when she got home. I decided to wait until she arrived and then fell asleep.

They say this is the most depressing time of the year. If you read any of my blogs you'd see proof of it. Central New York has to be the worst place in America to live. Especially if you hate snow / cold / and lack of sun. The climate in general up here sucks 8 months out of the year. We get both extremes of weather - cold as fuck in the winter and hot as hell in the summer. My wife is a miserable bitch - I don't even want to look at her. I have been miserable myself for the better part of my life. I guarantee the weather causes 80%+ of it.

The last few months something in me has changed. All of the sudden I don't want to be who I am. I've taken an increased interest in education. I've given myself goals and get pissed when I don't stick to them. I've 'calmed' myself down (at least tried to) and taken on unconfortable situations with a smile. The only acceptions are my wife and my child. I feel like they are both sucking me down - back into misery. I'll give my wife shit about her attitude and she tries to turn it around "You're just as bad" she says. I explain I'm trying not to be and I'd appreciate it if she would do the same. I'd leave her in a heartbeat if it wasn't such a hastle. With a baby in the mix it's not that easy. I just don't want to be miserable for the rest of my life - but I can't do it unless I shed the things that bring me down. She has to change or we're through!!

Florida will change everything. My sister tells me how happy she is now that she is down there. Sun all the time - and people who are friendly. Palm trees, Disney World, MY FAMILY! Again I would be down there right now if it wasn't for my wife and daughter. I wish I didn't but I resent them.

Whatever

I wonder

I wonder how long it will take me to get back into shape. I'm actually at the weight I've always wanted to be - 180lbs. In high school I was a scrawny bastard - but I was in the greatest shape of my life. 3 seasons of sports will do that - especially swimming. I wish I could swim to get in shape up here!

My gut hangs over my pants. I think thats the biggest beef I have with myself. My face is getting too round too. I hope doing aerobics on tape every morning will pay off. I can't afford a gym - or a treadmill (or anything similar.) I really wish I could go to a gym. At least there is more motivation than just my own mind.

Once again programming has taken over my sleep. I kept quasi-dreaming that my alarm was set for two different times - and it was set in a function of some sort. I was afraid that "the program wouldn't run" and I would sleep in. I kept waking up checking the clock. In my head it looked like

alarm(6:00am)(2:30am).

Don't ask me what the 2:30 is. I've been setting my alarm for 5:30 this week so I could get up and work out. What a weirdo!

I started feeling the effects of stress yesterday at work. I was getting that "sometihng caught in my throat" and slight nausea feeling I had when I went through the depression. At least now I know enough to ignore it and move beyond it. I wonder how many other people in the world go through that feeling. I bet in Florida I wouldn't even notice it. This cloudy miserable city needs to go! Only about a year and a half left!!! I can make it!

Ford just layed off / fired 25,000 people! [[this - the rest were even worse! WTF CNN!!! LEARN HOW TO PROGRAM A SEARCH QUERY!!]]I don't understand how a company can cut that many jobs at once. There should be a law against it. These workers are unqualified to do anything but work on an assembly line making the same damn part over and over. The problem is they get WAY overpayed!! They get themselves into a life of luxery and when their job falls a part, so does their life. My brother works for Chrysler doing the same type of job. He has a HUGE house and a fat italian wife. Ny nephew is so spoiled he didn't even appreciate the things he got for last Christmas (and he's only 5!) There are always threats of the plant he works for closing or downsizing. Gone would be the days of $20 / hour to put this rod into this hole over and over. Can we say "would you like fries with that?" I have shit for money myself - but at least I'm building a foundation based on intelligence not how many hours I'm willing to work. God I don't even feel sorry for these people. I know I should but they were getting over paid. Whatever!

There is a story on the local news about MySpace.com. Its saying how aweful it is for children and how they share their information freely with potential abductors. They are just now realizing this? My friend mentioned his myspace profile the other day. Dewd! We're almost 30!! Get a friggen' life! a/s/l please!

Need More Time!

I'm running about 15 minutes behind today already! Its only 6:30am!!

Class last night was fun. VB .Net seems to be a very robust program. I think its unfortunate that we have to learn to program (those of us who don't study the subject on our own) via a pretty GUI with drag and drop abilities. I guess for the other two people in the class it won't much matter. I'm sure they won't go on to programming as a career choice anyhow. I study C++ on my own, so it won't much matter to me either. So I guess the whole thing doesn't matter! AHHHH

Mondays and Wednesdays will be the death of me. If I get up at 5:30am (like I have the last two days) to do aerobics in the morning - and then pretty much go non-stop until I get home at 9pm - I'm gonna burn the hell out. I do, however, feel like I've accomplished something when I walk through the door. As long as Caelan is in bed, or goes straight to bed, it'll work out well. There is no way I could do it 4 days a week though - not with a family!

Thats all the time I have!! I have a lot on my mind but of course I'm up against the clock. I've made a silent vow to myself that I would get to work 'on time' for now on. Saddle up cowboy!

Goals

For philosophy class we had to make some goals - short and long term. We had to then flesh out the long term goals siting specific dates.

This is what I need to do. There are things in life, right now, that I want. My track record hasn't been very good at following through with anything that doesn't offer instant gratification. Having a list of goals <> surely will keep me on the right path.

Something about me has changed within' the last six months. Instead of obsessing about things I'm actually following through with them. Its not enough to follow through a little bit - I've been following through over an extended period of time.

I want to make games! This is what I would like to do for a living - whether it be simple tetris-style games or GRAND over-the-top MMORPGs. The latter would be ideal, but there is a lot involved. I refuse to set my sights that high until I acheive something much lower. I need to be able to see a game from beginning to end, and create it myself. I WILL DO IT!

I've been teaching myself C++ for the last month or so. All-in-all it's going very well. I find myself actually retaining what I've learned - mostly due to the fact I'm creating mini-"games", working through the "bugs" and enjoying the results.

I've also suplimented my learning with books on the gaming industry. So far I've read "Smartbomb" (covers a who's who in the industry) and "Masters of Doom" (about the two John's.) Right now I'm reading "Synthetic Worlds" which is proving to me a drastically different kind of book than the first two. Its writtin by an economist who is looking at MMO's ina business sense and relating that to "real life." It's a higher level read - which is good but it will take longer to get through than the first two books I'm sure (a week a piece.)

So here are my goals -

Short Term:

- Exercise 3 - 5 times daily (I'm horribly out of shape.)
- Write on this weblog daily (We'll see what happens - this is just to get me writing and reflecting on life a bit more.)
- Read for 1+ hours every day. (This is an easy one - I want to keep my mind filled with intellectual goodness.)

Long Term:

-Learn C++ well enough to create a medium to large scale game. (I've got this written down and fleshed out complete with dates. I've alotted (sp) 6 months to gettin' it done. I WILL SUCCEED!!!!!)